If this is ever my story

If my life ever gets to this, please order me a chilled bottle of Veuve Cliquot, a Clint cigar, and call Mary...you know...Dr. Mary Harris,  (Caroline Dhavernas) from "Mary Kills People"
I do not want to live like this...even for a little while.

This is a note from an old friend, about an old colleague and their current health situation. As I read each line, my heart sunk, deeper and deeper into a sad state of "Dear God, make it stop".

Hi Everyone

Thought I would send a quick update.

Mom (Olivia) has been at home for almost two weeks and I just managed to join her after the same number of weeks in quarantine. Sara and Dad have been visiting daily and managing the daily progression of caregivers and assessors marching through the house to help create a little hospital service / room and to forge a path for comfort as cancer takes its nasty course. Personal support workers have been visiting daily but we are trying to reduce them from three times a day down to two. The Occupational Health Therapist has prescribed some special support bars, a walker and special mattresses and pillows for the bed and wheelchair to help Mom achieve some mobility in the house. To date, Mom still can’t stand or sit for more than a few minutes at a time as she finds it painful and tiring. We are working on ways to improve comfort time in bed but also make it easier to get out of it as she has been bed ridden for almost two months.

Mom will undergo another form of somewhat experimental chemo-therapy in the coming weeks to attempt to slow the growth of Cancer in her body. She is feeling a little better now and is able to rest a little more during the day’s and evenings.

As the weeks progress we’ll try to increase her mobility and reestablish a routine in the house to be able to rejoin Bruce on the couch and for dinner again.

Please keep your well wishes coming and excuse the lack of personal responses. Mom is getting the best of care and is spending any time between visits resting as best as she can after suffering many restless nights at the hospital.

We will attempt a few a few zoom calls later this week.

Emma

Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Invisible

As a young woman, I was somewhat pretty, with a smallish frame, and a great Farrah Fawcett hairstyle.  I did take care of myself - but I wasn't full of myself. I knew I was not unattractive, and I could hold a decent conversation.

I walked everywhere. Around the neighbourhood, along the beach, through the malls, downtown, through the market.  A regular occurence was a stare, a second glance, sometimes a whistle, or some crass cat call.  It bugged me, but I just assumed it was part of life, and boys would be boys, and dirty old men, would be dirty old men.  You learn to live with it.

Even into my 30's and 40's I remained attractive, blessed with barely a wrinkle, in average shape, and a great hairstylist. I still received a "look" now and then, the nervous conversations, and suggestions to "get together". I was married, for gawdsakes, but that didn't seem to stop them.  I put on a few extra pounds in my late fourties, (which felt like 100 extra to me), but it was still the norm for me to be approached for mindless chit chat, deep conversations, an occasional flirty encounter by all ages of men.  I recall one time, sitting at the bar in Kingston with a friend, and an older gentlemen leaned over, smiled, and said "gosh I wish you were older".  It was sweet, and made me laugh.

I recently turned 60, and I've noticed that things have changed somewhat. The hair is now grey, and there are several more extra pounds to deal with. But I digress.  I was sitting outside with a friend the other day, and a young man came by and the three of us were engaged in a casual converation.  After a few minutes a younger friend of ours came by and joined us. The young man immediately switched his attention to our young friend. Our attempts to contribute to the conversation were futile - we were totally ignored. He carried on the casual chat with her for a few more minutes, eventually said his good bye's and left.  I remember thinking. That was odd. And frankly, a bit rude.

A few days later I was outside fixing something on a gate, and a nice looking young man was approaching with his dog.  I turned and smilled and he smiled back. I said "nice day for a dog walk"! He responded with a smile, "it sure is" and kept walking Just as he was getting close to the building, our younger friend comes out the door, and the young man literally stopped in his tracks and mumbled some nonsense to her.  I laughed, and added something to his comment. He totally ignored me and directed the rest of his conversation to her. The encounter continued for a few more moments, and then he left.  I remember thinking again.  He totally ignored me. That was odd. And honestly, a bit rude.

Then I remembered a conversation I had with a dear Psychology Professor friend of mine, back in the early 2000s about love, life, relationships, and aging.  He told me "it's very strange - one moment you are young and attractive, and meet all kinds of interesting people - the next minute you turn 55, and you seem be at that invisible age. No one notices you, no one seeks you out for conversation in a social gathering. You are quite literally, invisible"

Then it hit me. I had reached that "invisible" age.

Inside, I still feel young, reasonably attractive, and definitely approachable. I am bursting with interesting conversations, just waiting to be had. However I realize now, that on the outside, I'm a piece of the furniture. I'm just there. A #fatoldgreyhairedlady that no one pays any attention to any more.

I'm ok with it - I'm a bit of a home body, and I do appreciate solitude and alone time. But I found it a bit sad.  Sad that age changes us physically so much that we fade into the back ground and become invisible.

Word of advice: youth and beauty fade quickly. It's gone before you know it.
So you better have a great personality, lots of interesting conversations, and dear friends to have them with, to hold you over into old age.

Show Up

Sadly, the #covid19 situation has exacerbated the long term care issue.
It's not an excuse, but a fact.
The world is realizing long term care homes are understaffed, and loved ones are suffering. 

The workers are pulling gawd awful long shifts, with barely any thanks with the exception of a few signs, a few strategically placed rocks here and there, a free coffee, or a donut.  I'm sure this is all appreciated, but in the meantime, they are putting their own families, and their own life at risk.  It's not an ideal situation.  I hope they get a well deserved raise - I'm not sure what else we can do.

Even with the pandemic in full force, families are still in need of long term care for their loved ones. It's a sad situation. Once they are admitted, they are not allowed to visit. Unless it is a compassionate situation.

This note was written for a time without a pandemic - it's a bit difficult right now, but once the pandemic is over, and for those facing the task of looking for long term care for their loved ones - a bit of advice.

Try and choose a small one - with the short staff roster, a few dozen is still overwhelming, but at least they are not trying to take care of hundreds.

Once your loved one is admitted, be sure to visit frequently.  Not just once a month, or every other week. Daily if you can - but at least twice a week. Three or four times if possible. 

Take part in activities, and their care.
Grab an activity schedule, and "show up" for Bingo, or Music time, or bean bag toss.  How many times did your Mom or Dad, play games with you?

Join the advocacy group for family members
Be a part of the family council.
Have your say - voice your opinion - you can be a part of the solution.

There a minimal standards for long term care - food, shelter, clean sheets, and a bath twice a week.

Consider hiring a personal support worker on your own dime to take them out for fresh air, sponge baths on off days, changing up their blankets, tidying up and light cleaning their room. Holding their hand, brushing their hair, rubbing their backs, plucking a few chin hairs, a mini facial, or a quick manicure in between regularly scheduled manicures.

Hire a hair stylist once a month, an estetician, a manicurist, and a foot care specialist.  Pamper them like they did for you.

Family members still need to show up. Do their part.
It's a part time job.

Yes, things must change.  If not for our parents, but maybe for us.  Our parents would want us to be taken care of better than they were.

We need to be part of that change.

In memory of my sweet wee Mum...who appreciated my sister filing her nails, and plucking her chin hairs, and mini facials, and back rubs from me.

I Hope They Know

I hope they know, I still remember

I hope they know, I still care

I hope they know, I am wishing happiness, for this milestone day