Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Week at the Gym

As I approach my 50th birthday, I find myself frantically revisiting and acting on my “Bucket List”. One item on the list is a cruise. Rifling through my wardrobe realizing I will have nothing to wear, I retreat to the couch to catch “The Biggest Loser”. Perhaps their hard work and effort will transform me just by watching?

A dear friend suggested we join the gym. “It will be fun”, “we have goals”! I pulled out my wallet and eagerly signed up!

I booked my appointment with “Sven”, who identified himself as a 28-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing. I was pumped!

MONDAY: a little early, but worth it when I arrived to find a blonde Scandinavian God named Sven with a porcelain white smile and a great physique! Sit ups were “painful”, from holding in my stomach the instant I saw him. I foresee a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY: consumed entire pot of coffee, but made it out the door. Sven made me lie on my back and push an iron bar into the air – then he added weights! Painful, but his smile made it worthwhile. I feel GREAT! A whole new life and wardrobe awaits me.

WEDNESDAY: teeth brushing a challenge; achieved by laying toothbrush on counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. Driving manageable but can’t steer or stop; (parked on top of a Mini Cooper upon arrival).

(Sven is way too perky at 6:30 am). Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Sven said the stair monster would be beneficial; along with some other nonsense.

THURSDAY: the beast was waiting; vampire-like teeth exposed; thin, cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl. He introduced a dumbbell routine – I hid in the restroom when he wasn’t looking, but he found me; as punishment, the rowing machine - I sank!

FRIDAY: I despise that chicklet-toothed, anemic, tyrant Sven! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would hit him with it. Flew off the back of the treadmill; landed on Terry, the nutritionist; the landing was painful (she has 0% body fat).

SATURDAY: Satan left message on answering machine wondering where I was. His grating, shrilly voice, made me want to smash the machine with my nutrition tracker. Can’t lift anything heavier than a sandwich; including the remote; Results? Eleven hours of the golf channel.

SUNDAY: Church van picking me up – will thank God the week is over and pray my friend suggests a root-canal next time.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Yom Kippur

...In the seventh month, on the tenth day of the month, you shall afflict your souls, and you shall not do any work ... For on that day he shall provide atonement for you to cleanse you from all your sins before the L-RD. -Leviticus 16:29-30

The name "Yom Kippur" means "Day of Atonement," and that pretty much explains what the holiday is. It is a day set aside to "afflict the soul," to atone for the sins of the past year.

Have a special day; an easy fast, my Jewish friends...