Tuesday, November 5, 2019

The Anniversary

The place was a busy, but quaint little pub, tucked on the edge of a sleepy subdivision, just off the 401. Gently worn, red carpeting, and fresh little tealight candles sat in their crystal holders on the sometimes wobbly, wooden tables. The dark, oiled hardwood panels on the walls kept secrets of comings and goings of locals, friends, and strangers taking in beer, blues, and conversation until the late evening hours. The comfy, plush winged back chairs were tucked in strategically by the cozy stone fireplace, sitting face to face.

I recall fondly, the heartfelt laughs, the oaky wine, the long meaningful chats, as we sat in our spot in that place, with the dancing yellow flames, burning the evening away, much too quickly for our liking.

As the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months, the memories try their hardest to push deeper, and deeper into the boxes, in the archives of my mind. But, I promised myself I would keep some special times alive, and reopen those boxes that mean the most to me, every now and then.

On this date, I purposely curl up in my easy chair in front of the fireplace, with a glass of smoky cabernet. Read the little book of John Donne, with soft blues playing in the background. Once again, my mind visits the romance, the laughter, and the love that blossomed in that quaint little pub, in the winged back chairs, and I wonder if you remember that place, the memories we created, and this date, that we called "our anniversary".

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Fifty 9

Its early morning.

A crisp, cool breeze is blowing through the gardens bursting with daffodils, hyacinth, and tulips.

As I sit alongside the shore of the river, the angry, restless, rapids rush past me.  Still in a tizzy from the spring runoff, it surely is on a mission - in a hurry, reaching for something. Its destination unknown.

I sip my strong, hot, coffee, and close my eyes, lifting my face to the sun.
I'm 59 today. How did that happen?
It's beautiful outside, but, inside I am still bruised, and bloody.
I can feel a few broken pieces stirring - there is a lump in my heart. 

Normally, I would have heard from you by now.
Your deep, morning sleepy voice, saying "good morning".
A song, out of tune, of wishes for my birthday.
I would smile, and look forward to another call later in the day, and even again in the evening.  You were thoughtful, kind, and attentive like that. And never forgot.
Just that once.

No call this year.
Life has turned to a new page, to another chapter.
A new path.

I will push through the day, and move through these feelings once again.
Mopping up the blood, and coddling the bruises.
Sweeping the broken pieces out of the way; pushing them into the river, to join the rapids on their journey to somewhere...to make room for the wishes, from those that truly love me. 

I will carry on. Remembering your voice, your words, and your birthday song, with a smile inside. 

My phone beside me, just in case.
Just in case, you just forgot.

May 22, 2019

Sunday, April 7, 2019

The Paring Knife

To the left of the sink, in the top kitchen drawer, on the right hand side, sits an old, worn out, wooden handled, paring knife. It's about six inches long, with a dark wooden handle, held together with a small, metal screw. It is old, and has weathered two or more lifetimes of use, I'm sure. You can almost see the shape of someone's hand, imprinted on its' handle. When you hold it, you can almost feel my mothers' hand, or perhaps it's my grandmothers', who held it before her. The blade is no longer perfectly rectangular, but has worn away into a crescent shape in the centre - most likely a result of my grandfathers regular honing with his sharpening stone.

The blade has greyed, and the steel has completely lost its lustre. There are dark spots, and a few places that accumulate rust, if not taken care of immediately after use. It is dangerously sharp. You could end up with a very nasty cut if not careful, and if my memory serves me correctly, it has always been this way. My father, was also an expert in the honing department.

I stumbled upon the old wooden handled paring knife, while my sister and I were sorting through my mother's belongings. There is still, a plethora of household items, in boxes that have been in storage for almost two years. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the little wooden handled paring knife peeking out of an old dish towel, at the bottom of a box. When I spotted it, my heart jumped, and a flood of old memories, of my mother coveting, and guarding that old wooden handled paring knife came over me.

I quickly grabbed it, and placed it among my stash of various bits and bobs I planned on taking home with me. Sheepishly, I looked at my sister, as I tucked it carefully into my bin.
"You don't mind, do you?" I knew my sister would surely have nicked it for herself, if I had not acted quickly. But my fail proof line, when I really, really want something that belonged to our mom or dad is; "You know where it is, if you really want it". She hesitated, but did not challenge me, and into my bin it went.

There was something magical about that old knife. It's not that it brought back any significant memories, just familiarity, and a comfortable feeling. I knew that knife, as if it was part of our family; almost like a sister. Trust; you could rely on her "fail proof" sharpness. Routine; she was used every single day, for one thing or another. Normalcy; she lived in the same spot in that same drawer for 44 years. Reliable; in that she would always be there. She sat in the top drawer, to the left of the sink, on the right hand side, my entire life.

Mom used it for everything. I can see her standing in the tiny, galley kitchen in our apartment, with her hair tied back in two pony tails, one on top of the other. and her little black slippers, with "a bit of a heel", peeling potatoes, and carrots, practically every day. Cutting up a lesser cut of beef, to turn it into a steaming pot of stroganoff. Cutting up cheddar cheese, to have with crackers with her afternoon tea. Sectioning her daily albacore, tuna sandwich, into six smaller pieces. Trimming off the harder crusts of bread for me, when I asked her to, as a small child. Slicing up cream cheese, pinwheel sandwiches, to serve when her friend Joan, would come to visit on Tuesdays. Sweet, yellow onions, sliced with precision, to accompany that gaud-awful beef liver, that was force fed to us every week.

After each task the little knife would perform, Mom would meticulously wash it by hand, dry it carefully, and tuck it back into the usual spot in the drawer. The story was, that this little knife travelled to Canada, from Belfast, Ireland with my grandmother, in 1924. I'll bet my mother also snapped up that little knife, when purging her own mothers belongings. Perhaps it sparked fond memories for her; of peeling carrots, potatoes, or slicing onions. Reminders of her mother, memories of her father - or maybe it just gave her a sense of familiarity, and comfort, in some way.

I cherish that little knife. I also use it daily - to cut up potatoes, peel carrots, or slice an onion, to portion out a sandwich, or cut off hard crusts, because I want to. When I pull it from the drawer, I think of my mothers' hand holding the handle, and notice that we hold it the same way. I feel my grandmothers presence too; watching over me, as her treasured little knife performs it's duties for me now.

My hope is that the old knife will land with my daughter, Valerie, when the time comes, and that she can appreciate its comfort, and simple, but important impact over the generations.

For now, it will get used daily, living the next chapter of its life, in my home; in my top drawer, to the left of the sink, on the right hand side, until it gets wrapped in an old dish towel, packed into a storage box, and my children stumble upon it down the road, and recall the story of the old, worn out, wooden handled, paring knife.

Also published at: www.story-quilt.com/the-paring-knife/

Friday, March 29, 2019

Memories...

A familiar silhouette in the shopping mall.
A magazine cover in the bookstore.
The bookstore itself.
The faint scent of him, that catches you by surprise.
A laugh that sounds exactly the same,
you freeze in your tracks.
The voice, a few seats over,
ordering a dirty vodka martini.
A photograph you come upon by accident while looking for something unrelated.
That's all it takes.
To transcend the spectrum of emotions that take you from even keeled, easy going, normalcy,
- to gut wrenching pain, mixed with anger.
You feel those sharp little chards of glass,
the broken pieces of your heart stirring again.
You pull yourself together.
You look at the photo with maturity, and strength.
...and remember the day you were behind the lens, sitting at the little table, alongside the water, in a foreign, but familiar place - with a smile in your heart and love in the air.

Also published at www.story-quilt.com/memories/

Monday, March 18, 2019

The Words We Want To Hear

I was thrilled to have my little 18 month old grand daughter home with me for a few days over March break. She's so funny... smiley, happy, and has a wee bit of a temper too!
She has a whole vocabulary of mumble jumbled words, that make sense to only her, I'm sure. But, she's also starting to form words that we can actually understand. "mommy, daddy, shoes, puppy, wow..." and a few others. Adorable, to say the least.  One word, that caught my attention was "Nana"!
My eyes lit up, I smiled, and said "YES, Nana"! and I pointed to myself.

She said it a few times over the visit, and it melted my heart. One day, we went into the kitchen to get ready for lunch, and she looks up and points to the counter. "Nana" - my heart sunk, as I realized she was saying "banana", not "Nana" :-(

I don't care - it's "Nana", and it's ME - and I'm going with it.

Signed, "Nana Banana"

Messing up something good...

"Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better, only to end up with something worse.." ICE-T

Sunday, March 17, 2019

I think we dream...

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. 
If we are in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.

Winnie the Pooh

Sometimes insomnia is a blessing.

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Dads Mug

The word "kitchen", was scrawled on the box with thick, black magic marker. I knew it was likely filled with dishes, pots and pans, or other chachkas from Moms place. As I pulled it down, and peeled open yet another box from the storage unit, my suspicions were confirmed. There were white Corelle dishes, with the gold flowered pattern around the edges, a half a dozen sturdy glasses that used to hold Billy Bee honey, a few antique bowls, a selection of mugs that came from various university and college campuses, and pieces of dinnerware from Steinbergs, given away with the purchase of groceries decades ago. They were all nestled neatly in the box carefully wrapped with old newspapers from 2009. The headlines read of earthquakes overseas, riots in the U.S., and opinion pieces on the death of cultural icons, Michael Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett.

A short, sturdy orange mug with brown, and red flowers on it grabbed my attention. It was Dad's. He used this mug on a daily basis. I can see him sitting in his spot at the white arborite table in the kitchen, his thick finger, looped through the handle, and his other large hand holding the cup close. It held every liquid choice including bitter tasting Maxwell House, instant coffee that Mom made him daily before he went off to work, bubbly Pepsi, that he regularly had with dinner, and cold milk, he drank every night before bed. It was always by his side.

It was the day before Fathers Day in 1971, and I hopped on the bus to Billings Bridge, then an open air mall in Ottawa South, to wander the stores. I remember vividly saving my nickels and dimes for that perfect gift for my dad. I usually picked up a ghastly polyester tie with blue and red diagonal stripes, or a chocolate brown brocade design and once, a plain black background with a white fleur -de- lis print. Other times I bought him the same old blue or white collared and cuffed dress shirt, usually purchased at Ogilvy's, for $9.99. He would always smile, as he gently unwrapped any little weird oddity I gave him. Whether it was a tie, a key-chain, or a sweater, my dad would switch out the old for the new, or put on the item right away, and model it. This time, it was a find from Woolworth's. The mug was bold with bright colours, a great shape and cost a measly dollar or two. It was "modern", and "cool", and I loved it, and I was sure he would too.

The next day, I was excited for him to open the little cardboard box. I recall, he seemed quite pleased with this new mug. He poured himself some milk, then sat himself down at the table to enjoy it. One thing was certain, my Dad was always grateful for any, and all gifts. He was a kind, considerate gentleman, and appreciative of the little things in life. He would marvel at the item's beauty, or usefulness, thank me profusely, and we'd share a hug.

I was happy to find the little orange mug in the storage box, and it quickly went into my bin of items to take home with me from the locker. Dad passed away in '97, and I still think of him most evenings, when I pull the mug off of the shelf to hold my herbal tea, a glass of milk, or sometimes a splash of wine. My finger slips through the handle, where his was, and I hold it close with my other hand, as he did. I curl up in my chair, with this mug, and my book, and often think that perhaps he would be happy to know that it's still getting good use.

Also published at: www.story-quilt.com/dads-mug/