Fifty 9

Its early morning.

A crisp, cool breeze is blowing through the gardens bursting with daffodils, hyacinth, and tulips.

As I sit alongside the shore of the river, the angry, restless, rapids rush past me.  Still in a tizzy from the spring runoff, it surely is on a mission - in a hurry, reaching for something. Its destination unknown.

I sip my strong, hot, coffee, and close my eyes, lifting my face to the sun.
I'm 59 today. How did that happen?

It's beautiful outside, but, inside I am still bruised, and bloody.
I can feel a few broken pieces stirring - there is a lump in my heart. 

Normally, I would have heard from you by now.
Your deep, morning sleepy voice, saying "good morning".
A song, out of tune, of wishes for my birthday.
I would smile, and look forward to another call later in the day, and even again in the evening.  You were thoughtful, kind, and attentive like that. And never forgot.
Just that once.

No call this year.
Life has turned to a new page, to another chapter.
A new path.

I will push through the day, and move through these feelings once again.
Mopping up the blood, and coddling the bruises.
Sweeping the broken pieces out of the way; pushing them into the river, to join the rapids on their journey to somewhere...to make room for the wishes, from those that truly love me. 

I will carry on. Remembering your voice, your words, and your birthday song, with a smile inside. 

My phone beside me, just in case.
Just in case, you just forgot.

May 22, 2019

Messing up something good...

"Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better, only to end up with something worse.." ICE-T

I think we dream...

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. 
If we are in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.

Winnie the Pooh

Sometimes insomnia is a blessing.

Love - It's complicated.

Some have no idea what it is.

Some search for it, and never find it.

Some find it around every corner, and they aren't even looking.

Sometimes it happens once, and never again. 

Sometimes you meet your soulmate ... or who you thought was your soulmate.

However it comes into your life, if it ever does - it affects you. It's complicated.

Butterflies, hope, elation, promises kept, and broken, laughter, silliness, seriousness, passion, tears, heartbreak, sorrow, anger, acceptance  - be prepared for all of that.

There is a fear of never falling in love, and an even deeper fear of those endless tears that follow after losing the feeling of what you thought love was.